leave my door open just a crack...

Let's just cut right down to the chase:

I cannot sleep. 

For the past several weeks my sleeping pattern has been horribly interrupted by some unknown force. I have a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. A good night looks something like this: 

• Fall asleep around 1:30 or 2
• Wake up 2-3 hours later
• Toss and turn (and cry) for any amount of time between 1-5 hours
• Sleep for 2-4 hours
• Wake up feeling completely unrested

Most nights I literally l lay down and stare at the ceiling until some weak entity parading around as sleep comes and takes me for a couple hours. I'm  not REM sleeping and I cannot understand what's going on. My mind simply will not turn off. I'm not worrying about anything in particular and I'm not stressed over anything I can think of; I just can't seem to simmer down, relax, and get to sleep! It is quite possibly the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with. And I have tried SO many different things.

• Trying to trick my body into thinking it's tired by taking little naps throughout the day
• Benadryl 
• Going to bed super early
• Going to bed super late
• Turning the AC up
• Drinking tea
• Drinking milk
• Making a deal with the devil...my firstborn for a good night's rest

Yeah, the last one is a lie, but suffice it to say, I've tried many different things to get some rest. And last night was probably the absolute worst in this sad string of sleeplessness. But I think I also made a breakthrough, so it's not just another whiny tale of my woe.

So last night...

Getting to sleep wasn't a huge problem. Beanz, who has become very concerned about this, stayed with me until I could relax. I vaguely remember him kissing me goodnight and going home, but it wasn't long before my eyes shot open -- kind of like on those episodes of LOST -- and I knew that I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. I did the normal 'toss and turn, look for a comfortable position' deal to no avail. Then I tried drinking some water. This would prove to be the worst decision I could make -- because ten minutes later I had to go. Had to get up, turn lights on and be active which only furthered my awake-ness. On my way back to my bed I was suddenly overcome with this searing pain in my abdomen. Instinct forced me to double over and zombie my way back to my bed where this pain (which was the pain of a thousand burning menstrual cramps) ripped through my body to the point where I could barely breathe. 

After what felt like hours, but was closer to minutes, I decided on a hot bath. I've never found them to be particularly relaxing because all I can ever seem to focus on is how gross the caulk between the tiles looks, but I tried to just focus on how hot the water was and how it was sort of helping that mother cramp. After a good twenty-minute soak I went back to my room and tried to sleep. I pulled my fuzzy pink blanky over me and turned on my thunderstorm track and willed the sleep gods to bless me. It was another decent hour or two before sleep finally came, but by 5:30 or so I was semi asleep. Still no deep REM sleep, but it was better than nothing. The bath helped a lot and my fuzzy pink blanket helped too. I guess I need to establish a good bedtime routine to get myself in the mood. I think part of the problem is the lack of structure from my daily schedule. Since it is summer time, I don't have homework or class to budget for and my work schedule has zero consistency. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to academia, but I desperately need the structure that the school semester brings with it. I've been ready for class to start back up and for the autumn to be here since about two weeks into summer break. 

Maybe when school returns, good sleep will follow. 

-jolly (and freaking tired) molly

UPDATED ON 8/14/13

All I can say is, thank God for doctors and drugs. I am sleeping again! :)