leave my door open just a crack...

Let's just cut right down to the chase:

I cannot sleep. 

For the past several weeks my sleeping pattern has been horribly interrupted by some unknown force. I have a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. A good night looks something like this: 

• Fall asleep around 1:30 or 2
• Wake up 2-3 hours later
• Toss and turn (and cry) for any amount of time between 1-5 hours
• Sleep for 2-4 hours
• Wake up feeling completely unrested

Most nights I literally l lay down and stare at the ceiling until some weak entity parading around as sleep comes and takes me for a couple hours. I'm  not REM sleeping and I cannot understand what's going on. My mind simply will not turn off. I'm not worrying about anything in particular and I'm not stressed over anything I can think of; I just can't seem to simmer down, relax, and get to sleep! It is quite possibly the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with. And I have tried SO many different things.

• Trying to trick my body into thinking it's tired by taking little naps throughout the day
• Benadryl 
• Going to bed super early
• Going to bed super late
• Turning the AC up
• Drinking tea
• Drinking milk
• Making a deal with the devil...my firstborn for a good night's rest

Yeah, the last one is a lie, but suffice it to say, I've tried many different things to get some rest. And last night was probably the absolute worst in this sad string of sleeplessness. But I think I also made a breakthrough, so it's not just another whiny tale of my woe.

So last night...

Getting to sleep wasn't a huge problem. Beanz, who has become very concerned about this, stayed with me until I could relax. I vaguely remember him kissing me goodnight and going home, but it wasn't long before my eyes shot open -- kind of like on those episodes of LOST -- and I knew that I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. I did the normal 'toss and turn, look for a comfortable position' deal to no avail. Then I tried drinking some water. This would prove to be the worst decision I could make -- because ten minutes later I had to go. Had to get up, turn lights on and be active which only furthered my awake-ness. On my way back to my bed I was suddenly overcome with this searing pain in my abdomen. Instinct forced me to double over and zombie my way back to my bed where this pain (which was the pain of a thousand burning menstrual cramps) ripped through my body to the point where I could barely breathe. 

After what felt like hours, but was closer to minutes, I decided on a hot bath. I've never found them to be particularly relaxing because all I can ever seem to focus on is how gross the caulk between the tiles looks, but I tried to just focus on how hot the water was and how it was sort of helping that mother cramp. After a good twenty-minute soak I went back to my room and tried to sleep. I pulled my fuzzy pink blanky over me and turned on my thunderstorm track and willed the sleep gods to bless me. It was another decent hour or two before sleep finally came, but by 5:30 or so I was semi asleep. Still no deep REM sleep, but it was better than nothing. The bath helped a lot and my fuzzy pink blanket helped too. I guess I need to establish a good bedtime routine to get myself in the mood. I think part of the problem is the lack of structure from my daily schedule. Since it is summer time, I don't have homework or class to budget for and my work schedule has zero consistency. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to academia, but I desperately need the structure that the school semester brings with it. I've been ready for class to start back up and for the autumn to be here since about two weeks into summer break. 

Maybe when school returns, good sleep will follow. 

-jolly (and freaking tired) molly

UPDATED ON 8/14/13

All I can say is, thank God for doctors and drugs. I am sleeping again! :) 

"...like I have never known."

Sometimes all you need is for someone to tell you that they believe in you. Someone who says that even though you have five million doubts about yourself, all they see is everything you can do and everything you can become. 

Started, we started in disconnect. I don't

know where you're coming from. 

And when did you sink in? You're so contagious. 

I, no I don't want to find a cure.

It sets me free like I have never known,

It sets me free, oh yeah.

It sets me free, well I have lost control.

It sets me free, oh yeah. 

Moments, these minutes feel like hours. I wish

you would walk through my door. Anticipation,

my mind is racing. I, I don't want to find a cure.

Well please don't, oh please don't ever go. 

Cause I have, well I've been on my own for 

far too long. Oh please stay for my soul. 

Oh please say, oh please say that you know just what

to do with me

(Sets Me Free by the Apache Relay)

"But I don't think I need you."

Once upon a time...

She believed her own eyes. Then she turned around and walked in the other direction, the direction that led to peace and freedom. All this time, she had thought that turning around would be scary, but she was glad to find that she had been very wrong. She walked down the street, in the opposite direction, and was quite alright in the end.

She also lived happily ever after. 

The end. 

And why shouldn't that be good enough?

The longer I live...

The more TV commercials I watch...

The more magazine headlines I read...

The more I realize that I don't know what it truly means to have self confidence.

Because if I say that I'm OVERWEIGHT and that I need to EXERCISE, the self confident woman tells me that my body is lovely and that I shouldn't obsess over being skinny or muscular.

Because if I decide that my body is beautiful exactly the way it is and there is nothing wrong with it, the health and exercise-conscious woman tells me to exercise self control and get my dumpy ass off the couch.

How do I find the balance of having positive body image while trying to lose weight? Is such a thing possible?

The truth is, I really don't know. I believe self confidence and true body love looks completely different for every single woman. Personally, I'm still figuring out what it looks like for me, but here are a few things that I do know.

#1 I am a size 12 and that is perfectly okay with me.

#2 There are parts of me that jiggle when I walk. This is also okay.

#3 Coming from family with the genetic tendency to be overweight, I know I'm going to have to fight a weight problem my whole life. It will be hard, but I'm up for the challenge. 

#4 Rome wasn't built in a day. Goals will not be met with a quick fix and a half-assed effort. I'm trying to learn this and be okay with it. 

#5 Success in this department does NOT equal a particular size or a particular body type. 

# 6 Success in this department means never giving up on my goals and always striving to love the reflection in the mirror. Because if I don't love my body now, I never will and there won't be a victory that is good enough for me. 

So self-acceptance AND self-love come FIRST.

And why shouldn't that be good enough? 

And I guess it's just as well, but I miss your face like hell.

Painfully beautiful and personally touching. 

OH HAI.

It has been quite a while since I've posted anything.

OH HAI THERE.

I've been a very busy bee. A lot has happened. It's the week before finals, so I haven't much time but I want to just do a leetle update. So here we goes. 

#1. I'm roughly three (3!!) semesters away from graduating.

#2. I submitted a short story to a university writing contest and it won third place!

#3. I have a new job.

#4. My seester came to see me!

Aren't we cute?

#5. This happened.

#6. Also this. 

#7. I'm going to see Mumford and Sons with the lovely man in the picture above (To protect his identity, I'll refer to him by his nickname, Beanz [bet you'll NEVER guess his real name]), and several other dear, dear people.

#8. Aforementioned (I love that word) music event with Beanz will be in Austin, TX which means we'll be DENTON-ing as well!

Update (almost) over. School's almost out and when it is, I'll have much more time to sit on my fanny watching unhealthy amounts of Netflix blog and write and do many happy summer things. As of right now, I must away to write a ten page research paper and study for my final exam in Deutsch. 

Ich bin in Schwierigkeiten! (No yes I didn't did use Google Translate)

Tschüss!

love,

jolly molly

MOTIVATION

Alright, people. 

I'm officially putting it in writing and posting it on the internet so that it is official and forever etched into our cyber-world. I'm making you all aware of something that I have been putting off for far too long and simply must get started with.

It's time to get healthy.

It's time to eat well.

It's time to MOVE.

It's time to get in shape. 

I'm going to finish what I started nearly four years ago.

I'm doing it for me.

I'm doing it to be healthy.

I'm doing it to lose the weight and keep it gone.

I'm doing it for the future.

I'm doing it because I'm wearing a strapless dress in my best friend's wedding. (I get one shallow reason!)

DON'T YOU FEEL MOTIVATED?! 

(I sure do!)

Though, I'm sure none of you really care about this, (and I mean that in the least dramatic way possible. I probably wouldn't care if I saw someone posting something like this) I just wanted to confess the beginning of this continuing journey to the world. For the sake of posterity and documentation, I suppose. 

There is a treadmil, a stationary bike, weights, an exercise ball, and resistance bands across the hall from my bedroom and I've been putting the use of them off for way too long. I've been pinning beach abs and dancer butt workouts to my fitness board for weeks now but I never do them. 

I'M STOPPING THAT.

I think my biggest problem has been lack of motivation and time mismanagement. I've come to the realization that one set routine isn't going to work for every week, as each one is different. So what I've decided to do is each Saturday night (STARTING TOMORROW) I'm going to map out my fitness schedule for the week and just back into the swing of things. 

I know it's going to be hard.

I know it's going to hurt.

I know I'm going to want to give up.

But I'm not going to quit this anymore. I only get to be this young once, and I'm taking advantage of this fact. I will revel in the freedom I have now and make the most of it.  

Do you feel the same way? Because, if you do, I would love some accountability in food, exercise, or both! (If you're feeling adventurous!) 

later!

-jolly molly